Life is extraordinarily wonderful and hard. Some things I want to remember. The story of Savannah. I went to an ordinary check up with my OB. The first time ever I had Adeline with me. I told her we were going to listen to baby sister's heart beat. The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. He calmly and quickly got the ultrasound machine out. He said that the baby was not moving, and there was not heartbeat. But he wanted to have another ultra-sound done to be sure. I am trying to remain calm ... because Addie was there too.
I hurried and called Tim. Tim got there as soon as we went to get the next ultrasound. The lady made us go home, and come back in an hour. Probably one of the hardest things was being back where we had been to find out we were having a little girl a month earlier, and have to watch a screen where you could tell what the results were. I've felt a lot of things, but I still have a hard time with the fact I didn't notice something.
We went to the hospital later in the day at 4. At this point I knew I had to deliver my baby, and wasn't ever going to get to bring her home. However, it was so difficult walking into the labor, and delivery room and seeing the little station where the baby goes. I was given a miso pill every four hours to induce labor (I was given three), but was told it could take up to 4 days. What a blessing it didn't last that long. I had an epidural about 2 am. I started having 90 second contractions that were pretty painful. On on side I started feeling extreme pain. They gave me an extra kick of meds through the epidural. It wasn't helping. She checked I was at a 10. The doctor was there immediately. I pushed about 5 or 6 times, and she was out.
We held her. I have photos. The sweetest lady at Olily Rose Photography came to the hospital, and took photos (through a program called now I lay you down to sleep). She did a wonderful job. I am ever so grateful for these treasures. I think Savannah looked absolutely perfect even though her body was so little and she didn't look like a full term baby.
It was so hard to leave my sweet little babies body there in the hospital. I was so annoyed that the nurse was walking us out. I wanted her to stay with Savannah's body. Then I had this overwhelming feeling of peace come over me that her body wasn't alone. That Heavenly Father was there with her, and I felt so much comfort that he knew how I was feeling and comforted me.
BLESSINGS
When we left we stopped to get something to eat at Chic Fila drive though. Tim realized he didn't have his wallet. We'd already ordered about $20 worth of food for the two of us. He then tells the woman I am so sorry I can't find my wallet. She tells us, "that's okay take the food, and here's the receipt to pay us when you come back again." We cried. When does that happen. NEVER!
The day everything happened Tim found out his past employer had a check for him that he'd never received for some crazy reason we have no idea. That covered all of the cost of the burial. Another hard thing going to a funeral place.
We had a small graveside service. Tim wrote Savannah a poem a friend sang I am a child of God, I have this thing that I was going to write all of my kids a letter before they were born, and then one each year on their birthday. So I wrote, and read a letter for Savannah. Then two friends played the violin and cello a beautiful mix of songs. It truly was perfect, and the spirit was amazing. Driving up to the cemetery seeing the sweet small little casket was just so difficult. It was beautiful it was all white, with silver handles that had roses on the silver part. She had beautiful white and pink roses on top, with lily's and a small purple flowers.
The kids watching the balloons
The other sweetest thing ever was my little nephew Tanner. When they told him he cried for the longest time. Had the best idea to send Savannah a love gram. My sister brought six pink and purple balloons to her grave. Tanner spent an hour and a half drawing her pictures to attach. He drew Savannah in an airplane with window so she wouldn't fall out, and the other one was Pokemon's. Because that's what he would tell her about if she were here. He attached the pictures with the balloons, but wanted some fancy ribbon the first ribbon my sister offered wasn't perfect so she had to find something else. He asked Keri to wear a pink shirt that day, and he wanted to wear something special too. He as Keri what it looked like where she was. Keri told him there were palm trees and it was really beautiful. He decided to wear his palm tree polo, and palm tree shorts. We were going to the water park after so it was really special of him to dress up. He was the first one up the morning of, (he is usually the last one up) he told Keri he knew how happy Savannah was going to be today. Addie drew a picture of bugs for her sister. She's really loving her squishy bugs. They were all so sweet. Tanner rode back to the park with me, and he was crying. What a tender little guy. It was hard for me to keep it together.
I love her so much, and can't wait to see her again. I anticipate the day when I'll be able to see her smile. From all that I understand in the millennium we will be able to raise her, and I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing during that time.
I have never felt more power coming from other people's prayers. I feel so loved, and watched out for. We truly have been taken care of. So much comfort in the plan of salvation. But it's still so hard everyday for a different reason, but each day it gets a little easier I think.
I think it could be difficult to teach this one how to do anything/ everything. She is so stubborn. We took the scooter out for a ride, or should I say we tried. She insisted on having her purse with make-up (thanks Montanos) in it. I convinced her to put it in the pouch on the scooter, but she insisted on still carrying the purse. She was trying to drive the scooter with one hand. We will work on this, but if I try to tell her, or show her how to do it. She could care less. She just wants to do it her way. At one point she was behind it pushing it. She pretty much knows how to do it she just won't/ doesn't want to I guess. Perhaps it shouldn't bother me ... I don't think it really bothers me worry may be a better word. I am a teacher. I don't feel like I am going to be able to teach this kids anything because she has a mind of her own.
